After weeks of resistance, I finally caved and had a listen to your demos on Myspace. I have to say, they’re not half-bad, considering that you have the songwriting ability of a tree-stump and what little exposure you’ve had is attributable solely to being shat into existence by two moneyed-up cunts with few discernible parenting skills or a basic sense of shame. Frankly, it never fails to astound me how years of rudimentary science can eventually be disproved by a buck-toothed, big-titted try-hard who looks like a boot-print in a bath-tub. It turns out that with the right amount of daddy’s money and studio trickery, you can polish a turd.
While the British public are essentially idiots, Dane Bowers has a better chance of making a comeback than anyone ever forking over their money to swallow this shit. With God as my witness, you will never have a career in music.
PS – Mark Ronson isn’t any good either. You were well ripped-off there.
PPS – Do us all a favour and die. Cheers.